An emotional day....

I really don't know why I am so emotional today...
I suppose I haven't felt this way in a long time...
I've been strong for my friends and family during the holidays...
Perhaps now, 2 days away from my next infusion, its getting to me...
It sucks sometimes when my family and friends ask me,  "how are you doing?"
It sucks because they really want to know...
I can't bear to tell them the truth...
Sometimes I feel its best to smile...
Give the usual easy answer,   "I'm good"...
Which is true, for the most part, I am good...
I am just not good physically...
My body is not doing good...
I am doing what I can...
I try to diet, exercise, practicing patience and let go of stress...
Then I look at my bank account...
I have no job right now...
I am not making anything so I feel so behind...
I am busy 24/7 working on the diet, exercise and life maintenance stuff...
I feel people want more from me at times...
36 years old...
I have more in common with my elderly neighbors than most of my peers...
Most of the time I am good...
Ignoring the pain and uncertainty...
Its always there, never letting up...
I will let this sadness and frustration out right now but thats it...
Sometimes it all gets to me...
I can't stay here...
I can't allow myself to indulge too much in negativity...
I must go on to try and make tomorrow better...
I will take my supplements...
Eat as good as I can for the day...
I will exercise...
Keep moving because I can feel it...
At least its something I can control...
I can still move...
But then theres never ending pain...
I banged my eye today on the sink...
Bending over without really looking...
Not paying attention and now I have a black eye...
My first black eye of the year...
I fell a few times last year...
Two of the falls sent to me to the dr...
A sliced tendon and a banged up knee cap...
I don't want to get another surgery...
I can't exercise the way I want to with my knee like this...
I had to let my hand heal so I could use crutches...
I really want to fix my knee...
Try and get my balance back...
I am going to work on my balance and exercise as much as I can with this knee injury...
I see the dr. next month, then the neuro...
So many bills...
So many doctors, appointments and tests...
So many bills...
Exercising and getting the knee strong...
The knee is nothing compared to the everyday ms pains...
Never ending...
I feel pain when I move from side to side...
When I stand...
When I sit for a long time...
I am so very self conscious...
Aware of the way I move...
Some of the only times I feel at ease...
When I have had a few drinks...
Sounds horrible...
I'm trying to be honest...
I have good moments without drinking as well...
These days its about a week after my infusion...
For about a week or two...
If I have my meds...
Its so hard to get things done day to day...
I have so many intentions...
Unfulfilled...
It really gets to me...
Makes me feel stress...
I am feeling this right now so I am writing it out...
Knowing stress is only a thought...
Writing it out...
So its not stuck inside me anymore...
Righting it out...
So I have the power to stand up....
Fight on...
A smile on my face...
I really am truly blessed...
As sad as I get...
All I have to do is look around....
I see what great people I have around me...
I am trying to get better...
Letting people in...
Letting people help me...
I am lucky to have people who want to help me...
Seems to be a challenge for me at times...
I like to be the helper not the helped...
I am definitely a work in progress...


Update:
After writing...
Exercise, writing, good food and weed...
I feel like the positive me again...
Thanks for reading...