I really don't know why I am so emotional today...
I suppose I haven't felt this way in a long time...
I've been strong for my friends and family during the holidays...
Perhaps now, 2 days away from my next infusion, its getting to me...
It sucks sometimes when my family and friends ask me, "how are you doing?"
It sucks because they really want to know...
I can't bear to tell them the truth...
Sometimes I feel its best to smile...
Give the usual easy answer, "I'm good"...
Which is true, for the most part, I am good...
I am just not good physically...
My body is not doing good...
I am doing what I can...
I try to diet, exercise, practicing patience and let go of stress...
Then I look at my bank account...
I have no job right now...
I am not making anything so I feel so behind...
I am busy 24/7 working on the diet, exercise and life maintenance stuff...
I feel people want more from me at times...
36 years old...
I have more in common with my elderly neighbors than most of my peers...
Most of the time I am good...
Ignoring the pain and uncertainty...
Its always there, never letting up...
I will let this sadness and frustration out right now but thats it...
Sometimes it all gets to me...
I can't stay here...
I can't allow myself to indulge too much in negativity...
I must go on to try and make tomorrow better...
I will take my supplements...
Eat as good as I can for the day...
I will exercise...
Keep moving because I can feel it...
At least its something I can control...
I can still move...
But then theres never ending pain...
I banged my eye today on the sink...
Bending over without really looking...
Not paying attention and now I have a black eye...
My first black eye of the year...
I fell a few times last year...
Two of the falls sent to me to the dr...
A sliced tendon and a banged up knee cap...
I don't want to get another surgery...
I can't exercise the way I want to with my knee like this...
I had to let my hand heal so I could use crutches...
I really want to fix my knee...
Try and get my balance back...
I am going to work on my balance and exercise as much as I can with this knee injury...
I see the dr. next month, then the neuro...
So many bills...
So many doctors, appointments and tests...
So many bills...
Exercising and getting the knee strong...
The knee is nothing compared to the everyday ms pains...
Never ending...
I feel pain when I move from side to side...
When I stand...
When I sit for a long time...
I am so very self conscious...
Aware of the way I move...
Some of the only times I feel at ease...
When I have had a few drinks...
Sounds horrible...
I'm trying to be honest...
I have good moments without drinking as well...
These days its about a week after my infusion...
For about a week or two...
If I have my meds...
Its so hard to get things done day to day...
I have so many intentions...
Unfulfilled...
It really gets to me...
Makes me feel stress...
I am feeling this right now so I am writing it out...
Knowing stress is only a thought...
Writing it out...
So its not stuck inside me anymore...
Righting it out...
So I have the power to stand up....
Fight on...
A smile on my face...
I really am truly blessed...
As sad as I get...
All I have to do is look around....
I see what great people I have around me...
I am trying to get better...
Letting people in...
Letting people help me...
I am lucky to have people who want to help me...
Seems to be a challenge for me at times...
I like to be the helper not the helped...
I am definitely a work in progress...
Update:
After writing...
Exercise, writing, good food and weed...
I feel like the positive me again...
Thanks for reading...
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Thursday, January 2, 2014
How hard it is to be honest...
I just wanted to start sharing my experience in a blog because its so tough for me to be honest about how I am feeling...
Life has been super tough for me lately...
I was diagnosed february 14, 2011 and ever since ms has been a part of my daily life...
So hard...
I still look good...
In fact I look better than I ever have!!!
Minus a few white hairs...
But then stuff starts piling in, my injuries, infections and allergies...
Time passes in a flash...
Everyone asking I am okay...
Missing opportunities...
Not able to reach out to friends...
Inside I want to write everyone, let them know I miss them and love them but the ms troll get in front of me...
The true challenge is to be truly honest and that is the only thing people relate too...
otherwise there is no point...
Everyday I learn valuable lessons..
by the time I am old I will be smarter...
Nothing like a good dress to cheer a woman up..
I want to share all day long...
I want sharing to be a habit, a release and also help others...
I need to be honest about it all...
bladder issues...
battle with pain...
foot drop...
fatique...
ms hug, tension around my mid-back/ribs...
the cog. fog...
the miracle stories of a friend of a friend...
is that a relapse or a bad day?
Is this symptom lasting for more than 48 hours?
How can you plan when you feel different every other day?
Pain upon arising every morning...
Tight muscle cramping...
stretching every morning in pain when I wake up...
Terribly stiff hours of the day...
Have to eat...
Eat clean for good health but that takes a shit ton of energy...
Tired by lunch and havent done anything but life matinence...
I have hand controls on my moms car now because I cant afford a car, nor have the energy to drive that much...
I dont miss driving that much...
Hand controls and a handicap pass... super vip!
the cane that is as much a part of me as my phone except I can go longer without the cane...
Super emotional, but trying harder than ever to be honest which comes with tears...
Tears of fears and disappointment...
I hope that after these few years of adjusting I will be able to conquer this ms thing...
Life has been super tough for me lately...
I was diagnosed february 14, 2011 and ever since ms has been a part of my daily life...
So hard...
I still look good...
In fact I look better than I ever have!!!
Minus a few white hairs...
But then stuff starts piling in, my injuries, infections and allergies...
Time passes in a flash...
Everyone asking I am okay...
Missing opportunities...
Not able to reach out to friends...
Inside I want to write everyone, let them know I miss them and love them but the ms troll get in front of me...
The true challenge is to be truly honest and that is the only thing people relate too...
otherwise there is no point...
Everyday I learn valuable lessons..
by the time I am old I will be smarter...
Nothing like a good dress to cheer a woman up..
I want to share all day long...
I want sharing to be a habit, a release and also help others...
I need to be honest about it all...
bladder issues...
battle with pain...
foot drop...
fatique...
ms hug, tension around my mid-back/ribs...
the cog. fog...
the miracle stories of a friend of a friend...
is that a relapse or a bad day?
Is this symptom lasting for more than 48 hours?
How can you plan when you feel different every other day?
Pain upon arising every morning...
Tight muscle cramping...
stretching every morning in pain when I wake up...
Terribly stiff hours of the day...
Have to eat...
Eat clean for good health but that takes a shit ton of energy...
Tired by lunch and havent done anything but life matinence...
I have hand controls on my moms car now because I cant afford a car, nor have the energy to drive that much...
I dont miss driving that much...
Hand controls and a handicap pass... super vip!
the cane that is as much a part of me as my phone except I can go longer without the cane...
Super emotional, but trying harder than ever to be honest which comes with tears...
Tears of fears and disappointment...
I hope that after these few years of adjusting I will be able to conquer this ms thing...
my flight was delayed....
I had a great time traveling from Seattle to Los Angeles... I was at the airport for many extra hours but met so many nice people.
I don't remember ever having such a good time traveling and meeting so many interesting and kind people? Maybe it was my cool clear cane or maybe more than that, maybe it was me?
I was more willing to talk to others and be kind... It was amazing...
An older lady bought me delicious oysters at the airport bar and we had a great conversation. I also talked with a 24 year old from Alaska who was super excited to be traveling in the lower 48... He wanted to travel and see the world and his excitement was tangible. He loves working hard so he said he was trying to save up and try and travel every three or six months, somewhere new. These people were so nice. Of course there was also the guy who checked me in. With a cane he made sure I had proper accommodations but I was early I insisted on walking. There was a guy behind me who asked me if I needed help and ended up talking to everyone in our security line because we were all surprised we didn't have to take our shoes off.
Our flight was delayed over an hour so Virgin gave us free movies and a free drink or snack. Having the tv and watching movies I think really helped with peoples attitudes about the delay even though we didn't land till 1am..
I don't remember ever having such a good time traveling and meeting so many interesting and kind people? Maybe it was my cool clear cane or maybe more than that, maybe it was me?
I was more willing to talk to others and be kind... It was amazing...
An older lady bought me delicious oysters at the airport bar and we had a great conversation. I also talked with a 24 year old from Alaska who was super excited to be traveling in the lower 48... He wanted to travel and see the world and his excitement was tangible. He loves working hard so he said he was trying to save up and try and travel every three or six months, somewhere new. These people were so nice. Of course there was also the guy who checked me in. With a cane he made sure I had proper accommodations but I was early I insisted on walking. There was a guy behind me who asked me if I needed help and ended up talking to everyone in our security line because we were all surprised we didn't have to take our shoes off.
Our flight was delayed over an hour so Virgin gave us free movies and a free drink or snack. Having the tv and watching movies I think really helped with peoples attitudes about the delay even though we didn't land till 1am..
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